give me Your eyes

Viewpoint. Perspective. Lately these things have been on my mind. I've been trying to change my viewpoint, my perspective.

Especially of myself.

This is something that I've always struggled with. I am a perfectionist, and I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I hold myself to a much higher stander than I hold others to. I try not to be, but it's a something I've battled for a long time.

Recently, as I was thinking about these things, I was reminded of a time when my eyes were opened to a different viewpoint. I saw myself from a different perspective. I was in the Austrian Alps for a weekend retreat. There was a lot of fog that weekend, so I don't venture too far from the house we were staying in. One afternoon, however, the fog lifted and I went for a walk to spend some time alone. I walked a ways and came to a place where I could sit and enjoy the view. I sat soaking in the beauty that I saw...

As I sat there, I was in complete awe of the view that I had. I could see for miles. There was no way that I could look at this and doubt the existence of our God. All of the details that He including in His creation just leave me speechless. As I sat reflecting on the beauty of His creation, I took my view and zoomed out just a little bit. This new view had one addition to it. 

Me. 

Now I was included in this view of God's creation. I was apart of this view that I was in awe of and amazed by. 

Then it hit me. I am different than the rest of His creation. Here I am amazed by the mountains and valleys, the sky and the trees, and they aren't even created in His image. They are created by Him,  but they are not made to be like Him.

 I am. 

What an eye-opening moment this was for me. It's something I take myself back to on the hard days when I'm getting down on myself. It's a wonderful reminder, and it puts things in perspective. 

Perspective. That's exactly what I need. 

Inspired by Vera Bradley

I've had my eye on this for a couple of months:

Rather than splurging on this $88 Vera Bradley backpack, I enlisted the help of my gramma and a sewing machine to make my own! 

Seven hours of planning, cutting, measuring, and sewing later, I ended up with this one of a kind backpack! And it actually fits my laptop, which the Vera Bradley one would not do. 

Thanks for the help Gramma, and thank you Vera for the inspiration! 

the pain of blogging

I've always felt like I had things to say. Well, no, that's not true- there are always those difficult moments where I don't know what to say because words are not enough. But back to the times when I feel like I have something to say; unless it's an objective statement, or something that deals with plain facts and rationale, I have a hard time expressing those things that I have to say. I'm an emotional person, sometimes to the extreme. I'm sensitive and my heart is often what leads me. But I've never been able to explain those emotions, those pulls on my heart. (I'm sure I've already lost you- I told you I had difficulty with expressing my thoughts.)

I read things other bloggers and authors write, and I think, "Yes! That's exactly it! I feel like that." Why is it that I can't put it into words like that? I want to get these emotions, these sensitivities, the longings of my heart into words. But I struggle to; it's a pain for me to try to talk about or write about how I feel. And at the same time, the struggle is worth it. It's worth it to sort out the "inners" and get them to become "outers." The pain of finding the right words is rewarding when it allows me to connect with someone more deeply, even if that someone is only me. Rather, especially if that someone is only me. Me might not be the right word though (here I go again, struggling to find the words). When I say me, I'm really referring to the image of Christ that I get to know more deeply as I explore the intricacies of my heart.

So, sometimes that's why I write. Do I hope people read it? Of course, but only because I want to connect to work together to sort through the intricacies of humans that are created in His likeness. But, I know that my writing can me painful to read; it's not always eloquent (let's be honest, rarely is it that) or effective. I'm going to choose to write anyway. I need to for the benefit of growing closer to the Holy One, growing closer to me.